Posture

My back hurts. I look like a creature when I sit in class, in the waiting room, on the ground, wherever. How does one have good posture and still feel rested? My back is an impressive board right now and although I may look better with my shoulders up and out instead of shriveled in, I feel like I'm sticking my recently filled belly toward the desk. I also have to constantly remind myself to maintain this posture or I will surely and quickly return to my hunchback position out of habit.

So I ask:  how do you do it?

Just because my body is sitting doesnt mean my mind is

I'm not surprised I haven't written a blog in awhile. The only place I have internet access on my laptop is on the big couch in the living room. The Weather Channel is on all the time, the "local on the 8's" are ingrained in my mind. Its -8 degrees right now. My dad wanders by every once in awhile, no doubt believing I am lounging and watching t.v. (who watches the weather channel for more than a few minutes?), surfing the internet, and freeloading after graduation. So, you can see how it is difficult to feel creative, to write. I can't focus on the resume I'm trying to update, the graduate school writing sample I'm trying to edit when my parents are asking me every few minutes if I'm going to do this or that. I'm unhappy and change is coming. Even a change in scenery will do. Perhaps I will go to Caribou Coffee everyday and freeload off their wireless internet. I'll have to fight embarrassment though...since I applied there and remain jobless.

I've changed so much.

I've realized that I embrace the old me. What were once embarrassing characteristics are now something I shrug and smile about.

like, for example, my complete obsession with guinea pigs.

Growing up, I would try so hard to appear different from how I felt. I thought myself awkward and wanted to fit in (but really who doesn't at this age). I didn't have a close group of friends. I floated between sports groups and elementary buds, and well, it resulted in me not feeling sad to move on to college. Nothing was really here for me.

I know how creepy this looks (with the faces blackened), but I didn't want to post any pictures some people may not want up.

When I left for the university, I tried so hard to make friends because it was sort of like a two week alliance forming challenge. After that time was up you were on your own. People shut down and already had their chosen friends (after all, they too only knew high school rules). Oddly and wonderfully, I became friends with an old highschool aquaintance. We both changed together.

Moving off-campus, and introducing the bar scene, friends were made in new ways. Inhibitions were shed.

Now I've embraced being different because I've noticed how boring so many people are.

Anyways, there was a point to this post. It isn't to love yourself, because really you cant force any kind of love. Instead, it is to grow through travel and new experiences. Fight the definition of insanity, and try something different if you are unhappy. Or, imbrace a different definition of insanity, and refuse to care what other people think. The beginning of college was tough for me, but it was worth it. When my friends and I split up, I was sobbing like a freak (but remember that being a freak is good now). I've learned to trust and love and learn. I've learned to live with the mistakes I've made.

I wasn't aware of this growth until I've comeback to my old town. I can talk to anyone in my old life and realize just how wildly different I am from the last time I was here. I've learned that you don't have to try to be everybody's friend, because even having just one great one is a blessing.

Hello old enemy, suppressed memory...

As I transition out of college and into limbo (the time span after graduation and before occupation--or further schooling), I find myself facing the wall of crap in my old bedroom. I need to filter through and decide what to get rid of, what to store in memory boxes, and what to bring with me when I eventually move out. Its tough. I find my mood slowly sinking as I pick up objects that either remind me of my high school years that I wasn't a fan of, or, mistakes that I made in college that I refused to fully confront (so I threw them in an old bedroom). Now I see notes and diary entries of bad breakups and old loves and old pets and old friends and its a lot to take in. After I'm done I will be raw, but the wound will be clean. I need to decide what important to me. What I want to bring with me to my next chapter.

Old Words Remind Me

Scanning through my computer's files is a jump start to my memory. I have written things that I vaguely remember. I just sat and spilled my thoughts and saved with a time stamp. For that I am thankful because it is a capsule of past emotions. Here is a poem I wrote. I will try to include other treasures I find as well. I never came up with a clever title.

And today I shall float away, empty

Carved out by your fingernails, your words, sharp.

I will scramble for purchase, swallow lead,

Tears; As I inhale, exhale, sob, smile, act.

I will tie a string around my words so

You can knot my pleas to your wrist, tugging

Me, bumping against the jagged ceiling.

And tomorrow I will sink, implode, cave-in,

 

Shackled by the weight of the concealed.

My heart of mercury, poisoned, pretty,

Useless, and used I will descend to the

Bottom of the ocean to the bottom

Of the matter. I will create the new

Current through my nostrils: Trying to breathe.